Monday, April 10, 2006

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To Everything Turn, Turn, Turn.

Its been too long since I last wrote an entry in my blog. I did promise to make more time for it, but the realities of life mean that this is not always possible.My children are growing and blossoming beautifully, and as much as I love them, I love having space away from them when they are at school. Its so amazing seeing how their knowledge of the world is developing,and my daughter who is 4 acts like a 14 year old. She is a very spirited female, much like myself. But she is also rather sensitive. I don't like to think I am sensitive, but secretly I probably am. I just like to project an exterior that suggests otherwise. As with everything, I am sure there are reasons for this, but I am not willing to investigate them at the moment.

Had the strangest of dreams last night, which was very vivid. Many people were involved, random children from the local area, as well as some other people.To be honest it was the inspiration for me to write this entry. It seemed like some sort of a sign telling me to move on. I woke up feeling sad and confused, even though nice things happened. And I couldn't stop thinking about my dream, it was so real. I was being kissed very tenderly by a man who most definitely was not my husband! So I hope I wasn't talking in my sleep. Its not something I do generally, but the dream felt so real. I suppose its something to do with the state of my marriage, and that wanting to find love and affection with another person.

I know it will happen when its meant to happen, but I think my soul is just crying out for some passion. The mundanity of everyday life make me too busy to deal with this yearning, but my unconscious mind is very aware of this. You cannot control your dreams.Perhaps it meant something, and at this moment a song has just popped into my head. Its a tune from my childhood by The Stylistics, Betcha By Golly Wow.I wonder why that is?I have been refilling my iPod recently so maybe thats why.

Who knows? I certainly don't.

Am halfway through my GCSE Maths course, and have lots of Algebra coursework to do. I hate it, but I have to focus on how close I am to becoming an English teacher. I have a place on a PGCE, for the second time, so I have to do this.I failed my last exam badly, so I have to work extra hard on this coursework. And the children break up from school for the Easter break on Wednesday!

Life's tough sometimes is'nt it! But like everyone else, I suppose I'll just have to get on with it.Am looking forward to visit to Brittany in July to see dear friend and her family. Like they say in America, It's all good!

Happy Easter, Calm down on the chocolate( note to self!!!)

Love Honeychile

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

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New Year, New Beginnings

Wow, I cannot believe that another year has flown by and that we are now in 2006. 2005 was eventful to say the least, with some truly wonderful highs, and some not so wonderful lows.I felt the need to restart my blog as my last babies start at big school tomorrow. Ok. they are not babies and are four years old, but I still cannot believe that they are off to full-time school tomorrow. I've spoken about it for such a long time, and now its finally happening. My time will be my own, I'm sure it will feel weird though, but a woman needs a private income, and a room of her own( according to Virginia Woolf)I can do the room of my own bit,(not sure about the private income! Its not as much as I'd like it to be, but it will do for now.It will be so lovely and life- enriching for all of us to find our own space, and especially for my children to grow and learn about themselves and the world around them as they begin their school adventure. Am also writing blog in response to a letter that I received totally out of the blue after getting home from work this evening. Was tired, hungry and the last thing I expected was this rather full- on letter. But after reading it, I thought that the least I could do was respond. Now lots happened last year that I have already been into, and do not wish to go into detail about again. It all culminated in the loss of some lovely friendships, which I bitterly regret. But life seems to have these weird things in store for humankind. Its always trying to test us, and the past year was certainly a test for me. After reading this letter which obviously came from the heart, I knew I had to respond. I have done as the recipient requested and I just want to put the unhappiness of the past year behind me. There were far more happier times than there were sad, but in the headspace that I was in following the sad times, that would never have been apparent. Time is always good for giving perspective, and although I still grieve for the loss of these friendships I cannot undo what has been done.When I feel I can I will respond personally to that letter. We live in a small place, and it actually physically and mentally grieves me when I can't say hello to the aforementioned friends children who were incidentally very close to mine, closer that most of my family if truth be told, such a lovely, special friendship. This is why the events of the past year hurt so much. I hope this year will see some form of resolve. I have moved on, I can't pretend I have completely forgotten about things. Little things can set me off. I won't ever be able to hear certain songs without crying,about memories happy as well as sad.And silly things like this blog for instance was inspired by these friends, as well as getting off my arse to do my GCSE Maths course which I am halfway through.This time last year I was doing none of these things, but now my life is so busy,I also work part- time in a beautiful high street clothes shop, as well as doing the usual mum thing. And these friends inspired me to do all of this. The spirit was already there( in a half- assed way)but the soul was only willing after some guidance. And I will be eternally grateful for that. Now I am getting tearful. I need to go up to bed and do some reading. I love writing a blog, the stream of consciousness has such an amazing flow. I thought I'd just write a short blog entry, but look at how it has turned out.Will definitely try to make more time for my blog in 2006.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

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Diwrnod prysur

Wel mae heddiw dwi di bod yn prysur. Sai'di wneud lot yn y cyfryngau am sbel, ond fel buses mae nhw'n gyd yn dod at yr un pryd (actually, s'dim lot of buses i gael yma yn y cefn gwlad, ta beth!)Ces i fy nghofyn sbel nol i fod mewn llyfryn am bobl sy di symud i Gymru a di dysgu'r iaith. Peth Bwrdd y Iaith oedd hwn, a gaeth y llyfryn ei lawnsio heddiw. Ond cyn mynd i lawns oedd rhaid cael lluniau am y papur a cyfweliad radio gyda Hywel Gwynfryn. I dweud y gwir, wnes i luniau ddoe, fi a fy mhlant bach yn y glaw oer, mewn cae fwdlyd. Do ni ddim yn gwisgo wellies, oedd y blant yn cwyno am y mwd ( achos oedd sgidie newydd da nhw), ac oedd y ffotograffydd yn gofyn ni i wenu am sawl lluniau. Ond chi'n gwybod beth, wnaeth e ddefnyddio shots o ni o rhywle hollol wahanol. Oedd traed mi mor wylb ac oer, a wnaeth e ddim uso shots na. O wel, dwi ffaelu cwyno gormod, oedd y llun yn y papur yn ok.

Wedyn bore ma pan o'ni'n paratoi am fynd i'r lawns, ac yn bwydo, gwisgo a sorto fy mhlant mas, ces i alwad ffon wrth Hywel Gwynfryn am wneud cyfweliad radio.O'ni'n jyst ar fy ffordd i dropo rhai bach off yn Ysgol Feithrin, ond gan bod dwi'n sut 'Media Whore', wnes i fe. I dweud y gwir, dwi'n joio siarad yn gyhoeddus, mae radio yn tipyn bach scary, achos ti'n ffaeulu wneud edits os mae'n fyw. Ond yn lwcus i mi bore ma, gaeth e e recordio, achos ambell waith dwi'n gallu siarad yn shit! Chwarae teg dwi di dysgu Cymraeg, ond dwi yn teimlo yn hunan ymwybodol ambell waith pan dwi'n siarad am rhywbeth dwi ddim yn gwybod lot am.

Heddiw, o ni'n jyst siarad am fy hunain, so oedd e'n digon rwydd. Ar ol y cyfweliad es i lawr i'r lawns. Welais i sawl wynebau cyfarwydd, ac oedd rhan fwy o nhw yn nabod fy Mam yng Nghyfraith, neu fy nghwr, neu ei chwaer. Mae byd Cymru Cymraeg yn mor fach, sylwais i hwnna ar ol dechrau mynd i'r 'Steddfod ac yn weld yr un wynebau blwyddyn ar ol blwyddyn. Wnes i speech bach, y usual am fy hanes teuluol, fy mhrofiad i o ddysgu Cymraeg ac yn o blaen. Ar ol siarad ,wnaeth sawl pobl gweud o'nhw'n teimlo'n eitha emosiynol pan o'ni'n siarad.O'ni'n jyst siarad wrth fy nghalon am sut dwi di ffeindio y profiad o symud i Gymru ac yn cael teulu fan hyn.

O'nhw'n really yn lico speech fi, a daeth rhyw dyn lan i ofyn os oedd e'n gallu cael e i ddefnyddio am rhwybeth. Wedais i "Ie, mae hwnna yn fine" achos o'ni'n jyst caught up in the moment fel mae nhw'n dweud yn Saesneg. Ar y diwedd oni'n meddwl pwy yn y byd oedd hwnna, a beth bydd e'n uso speech fi am? Dwi'n siwr bod mae'n rhywbeth i wneud da Bwrdd Yr Iaith, neu Cyfryngau. O, wel dwi'n bownd i ffeindio mas rhyw dydd.Ces i gacen neis, ces i gwrdd da Alun Pugh sy'n dysgu Cymraeg ar y foment. Wnes i sawl lluniau, a cwpl o gyfweliadau hefyd. Dwi'n lwcus bod dwi'n joio stwf fel hyn. Mae yn teimlo fel dwi'n ail dweud stwf trwy'r amser, ond oedd heddiw yn wahanol. O'ni'n falch iawn i fod yn rhan o rhywbeth hollbwysig fel y lawns yma. Hyd yn oed pan oedd Cymdeithas Yr Iaith yn brotestio ( yn dawel iawn) tu fas y gwesty. Ti ffaeulu blesio pawb, mae na wastad rhywbeth i brotestio erbyn! Dwi di blino, ond dwi di joio heddiw mas draw, sa di gweld y newyddion 'to. Dwi eisiau clywed fy speech i, a weld faint mor tew o'ni'n edyrych! Dyna unig problem gyda 'media lark' yma,mae'n addio 10 bwys arall i ti ar y teledu, a credu fi dwi ddim angen y 10 pwys extra, dwi da digon extra fy hunain!!! Falle dylai i sticio gyda radio. Ond dwi'n sut Media Whore, achos dwi'n gwybod pan daw'r galw nesa byddai fel, "Ie iawn byddai'n wneud e"! Dwi'n off i gwely nawr. Nos Da.

Friday, September 02, 2005

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London and How I Lost 3031 Tunes From My iPod

Well, after the last blog I thought that I would take a trip to London to catch up with my family and remind myself of why I left etc.Also thought it would ge a good place to take my mind off of past events.Little did I know that I was to cause a drama there too. It does appear to be my forte at the moment, not sure what it is, but it is most definitely unintentional. Anyway, had pleasant drive to London, its always weird going back, each time I do it all just seems too much,of course I do like some aspects of it such as the diversity, the shops, and the lovely food available (mainly from my Mum!)Its just so full on, which I suppose I loved when I was younger, I was born and brought up there, and it really is another world.But now I have had children my eyes have really been opened to what it really is like,it does have great places to visit, we particularly like the Science and Natural History Museums, we went to both during our trip. The children also love Big Ben, The London Eye, and Trafalgar Square with all the pigeons. This time, we did Hamleys, it took almost three hours from floors 1 to 5 and the kids got to choose a toy each. All good fun, but quite tiring. Took me two days to recover, there is just always something to do.London is great to visit, but the Welsh countryside just feels like home, even for a city girl like me. Its funny, I always felt I never belonged in London, but thats another story. That evening decided to go round to my brother's place to share tunes on my iPod with his girlfriend. We hooked the iPod up, it all looked fine, we thought the iPod would just transfer my tunes to his computer. It was only when we disconnected that I discovered the awful truth. All 3031 songs on my iPod had been deleted and replaced with my brother's girlfriends tunes. Devastated is a massive understatement, I was so so gutted,especially as I can no longer access them on my PC either.I just went back to my mother's house almost hoping it was just a dream and that in the morning it would be ok. Unfortunately, like the situation in my last post this was not the case. All of my beautiful, special music had gone.My brother felt terrible, but not as bad as I felt, believe me.

The next day I decided to go shopping in Kensington with my brother's girlfriend whom I don't really know that well, hence getting to know each other girly shopping trip. We were having a perfectly innocent conversation about our relationships, how long we'd been with our partners etc when she told me that she'd been with my brother for 4 years.I told her she couldn't have possibly, as two years ago my eldest brother got married and my younger brother was at the wedding with his ex- girlfriend.My brother married on Valentines Day, so it was easy to remember.This is when she told me that she had no knowledge of this,he had brought her a massive bouquet of flowers, and had been to see her that morning. She told me that she felt totally shocked and humiliated. My entire family had conspired to keep this from her, they must have censored the wedding photos , as my brothers other girlfriend was in many of them. How fucked up, I had no idea that my brother had two girls on the go at the same time. That was bad enough, but for my family to be complicit in it too. I felt so sorry for her, as her family and friends don't like my brother, and this surely would just add to this animosity(and unfortunately in her family's case, racism).I didn't think anything more of it until I got to my mum's where I told them what had been said. Anyone would have thought I was the one in the wrong, the crap I got was unbelieveable, my elder brother and his wife left in disgust, though not before telling me that they had a meal with my brother and one girlfriend one week, then another one with the other the next. My stepfather then told me that my younger brother had taken two red roses from the vast bouquet he buys my mum every Valentine's Day, one for each girl.Everyone but my Stepfather had a go at me, and I thought that would be the end of that.
Oh no, less than an hour later in comes my younger brother swearing and shouting at me, calling me a 'malicious bitch', and telling me 'I need to shut my fucking mouth'.We were all so shocked, none of us have ever seen my brother behave like that, he is never aggressive and doesn't even swear!He told me how upset his girlfriend was, and what damage I had caused. He wouldn't let me speak, so I just let him carry on ranting. My whole family were against me, which I just could not believe. Surely he was so angry because he had been found out, I had no idea about his relationships. He later told me that he and the other girl had split shortly after our elder brother's wedding.That was beside the point, how can his new girlfriend really trust him after this, he does love her though, and she is lovely. Good prospective sister in law material!I just hope that he is truly faithful to her now.

As if I would have deliberately said something to jeapordise their relationship! Two days later my brother called to tell me all was ok and back to normal after my accidental slip.People are strange,and that includes my family too.Love is complicated, as I too have found out recently. When its good, its fantastic, but when it goes bad, well.... One of my favourite St Etienne tunes sums it up, Only Love Can Break Your Heart.So too can losing 3000+ tunes from your iPod.I am trying recovery software to get them back,lets hope that I can.With everything that has gone on in the past year, they were such a source of comfort to me.Here's hoping I'll get them back.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

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London bombings

I was listening to Woman's Hour on Thursday morning when the programme was interrupted by the news. From the tone of the newsreaders voice I mistakenly thought that the Queen had died, nothing could have prepared me for the news that there had been a series of explosions in central London on the transport system.Although I live in Wales and have done so for the past ten years I am a Londoner born and bred.All of my immediate family live and work there and my first thoughts were for them as they too would be travelling into central London in the rush hour. The amount of people using public transport has grown due to the now increased Congestion Charge which has gone up to a whopping £8! Anyway, I digress, the news was greeted with shock, and worry for my loved ones and the awful feeling that terror had struck so close to home. We are forever hearing about bombings in Israel, and Iraq, and if I'm honest I generally think 'not another one'. But this was different, for the very first time it really has affected me, to think that it has happened so close to home is so very frightening, and makes it very real. Its strange, but growing up in London in the 1970s and 80s I never worried about the IRA bomb attacks. Perhaps I was just too little. I was more afraid of nuclear weapons having been on a few CND marches with my mum, and even though there were IRA bomb attacks I never heard anyone express any major fears about them. Perhaps this was done out of earshot of us children, who knows. However, I just felt that I had to get my feelings down about these terrible incidents. I like to think that I am a liberal person, but when events such as this happen I am forced to question my liberal credentials.Some 15 minutes after I heard the news I saw a woman with a Hijab on and I felt sick. I was also anti- war but this really caused me to question whether the war was really such a bad thing after all. I know of some of the awful things that the West perpetrate, but surely nothing can be more cowardly or evil than blowing up innocent people, killing and maiming them and then justifying it by claiming it is part of a religious war. How twisted is that, and how can these vile people get onto a bus or train look at the people around them, look into their eyes and think' I'm going to kill these people today'? How can they justify that in the name of religion? What a fucked up world we live in, when Islam a religion that is supposedly about peace is misinterpreted by a minority who inflict their vitriol on anyone who does not agree with them.I am so saddened by the bombings, it is heartening to hear Londoners in the media saying 'they will not beat us', Londoners are made of stronger stuff etc etc. The sad truth is that they already have, by doing what they have done.The current death toll stands at 50, and is expected to rise due to the horrific nature of some of the blast injuries.My heart goes out to all of those who have lost friends and family in the blasts.I just hope that this can never happen again.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

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Travels with my Children

Well its been a while,and since my last blog I have had a few adventures. The most memorable being a jaunt to Northern Spain with three children on my own!!! Its not actually as bad as it sounds, my mother is always having a go at me for travelling with my children as if giving them that experience is a bad thing. She always goes on about how its 'too much' and that they are too little. They love it, and even though it can be quite hard work I love being able to give them the experience and the memory. I suppose in some deep way its linked to my unhappy relationship with my mother, I am desperate to make sure that my children and I have a loving, positive relationship, even more so with my daughter who is a beautiful, spirited feisty young lady at the age of three and a half!I have had real issues with my mother and my upbringing,being handed round by family members who decided they had had enough of me/couldn't control me, so would pass me on to someone else. I even remember being outside the room listening to them saying;'Well I don't want her'. One thing that really did my head in was my mother telling me she 'wished I'd never been born'.This was some fifteen years ago, and I have confronted her about it, she says it was a 'heat of the moment thing', but I can never forget it. So I want my children to have a healthy, happy relationship with me. Philip Larkin hit the nail on the head when he said; "They fuck you up your mum and your dad".

I just don't want to fuck my kids up.

Anyway, about the holiday. We went to La Coruna, stayed with a lovely, albeit slightly batty old woman who is my sister- in -law's mother. Every day they would scream and shout at each other over the most trivial things. I hate to stereotype, but maybe its their Latin temperament. My twin nephew and niece were the centre of attention in the village, as were my children. Every day elderly women came through the gates with presents for the baby twins, and sweets and kisses for my children.We had a week of hot sunshine, I ate lots of delicious food, drank more wine than I ever have, and just enjoyed some chilled family time.The children loved it too, especially the aeroplane. It will be the first holiday that my twins remember, and for me little things like that are important. I love my children, and I want them to experience all they can that is positive and life- enriching.Travel is one such thing. I think we'll go back to La Coruna next year, though next time I'll book us into a hotel!